Post NEET 18 Result (1st attempt)

Around a lakh people aged 24-30 from all over the country, were glued to their mobile screens refreshing their browsers. No, they were not trying to be among the first ones to buy tickets to their favourite concert show.

They were waiting for their exam results. The exam, whose result and its consequence is gonna stay with them for their entire life.

You might ask, at such an old age? Yes, this exam was NEET PG entrance exam. These youngsters were Doctors, who even after completing their MBBS, were clueless about their lives and were waiting for the result which would decide their future.

Is the exam tough? Well, I would say No. 70% Questions are basic ones, and need basic medicine knowledge, which requires decent study of all 19 subjects of the MBBS curriculum.

But The thing that makes NEET PG difficult is not the questions but simply the amount of competition and fewer residency seats. There are sadly very few seats in good institutions and few MCQ marked wrong due to silly mistake will cost you the seat. *sigh*

Around 1.5 lacs candidates (Data NEET-PG 2019) appear for this exam that offers a Post-Graduate Seat. With just 5 thousand clinical seats, and around 3-4 thousand non clinical seats, u need a get a rank of under 10 thousand to stand a chance.

And if you belong to the Unreserved category, those seats would reduce to half.

That means only around 3% students appearing for the exam are offered a seat, and 97%, that is right, 97% people go empty handed. Those 97% may try again next year to face even worse competition and again 3% get into any college.

Around 1% take the specialty they actually wanted, and the rest compromise.

In such competitive environment, joining a coaching institute was a obvious choice. We were all familiar about this phase of life, from our schooling days where how we successfully cracked the Premedical Exam. (NEET UG).  How we emerged victorious among Lakhs of wannabe doctors and actually ended up being Real Doctors.

But the problem now is, that all of us, once victorious, would now be fighting among ourselves for much lesser seats for Post Graduation.

And the new issue was this time we needed to choose our branches too, and do our post graduation accordingly.

One senior of mine, a wise man, gave a golden advice of never getting attached to a branch. A favorite branch is just like a hot girl in your batch, out of your reach. Tumhe pasand hai, Lekin sirf tumhe pasand nahi hai :P Never get attached too much unless she feels the same towards you.  One sided expectations can mentally destroy you.

Gradually we came to realize how true this is, and  it is actually our Rank that decides the branch we would get.

Joining a coaching institute was again an obvious choice.

I thought, we all thought, we have done this once, how tough can it get!?

Well, we had no idea how naive and innocent we were.

I followed advice of my seniors too seriously, neither got attached to any particular branch, nor to any girl. But since I never really liked any one subject in particular, and decided to treat all  specialties equally, I kind of started liking a little of all of them.

And there was one branch that gives you all, Internal Medicine. *sigh*

Medicine gets finished among the top ranks, hence I knew i needed to work extra hard. And so I did. Cracking PG in first attempt was a trend, something regarded as cool in my college.(MAMC)

That means u give the entrance exam WHILE the internship (last year of 5.5 yrs of MBBS) goes on. Other Delhi colleges, most students preferred giving time to internship itself, and also enjoying the last year of UG Life. And take a gap next year and prepare for NEET PG. But scared of losing on my friends and being left alone with no seat, I decided to go for entrances this year itself.

And as I joined the Rat race, internship took a heavy toll on us.

Surviving mamc internship is known to be tough, and then saath me Padhai? Surviving the internship deserves a separate post, but for now the Exam went fine. But not the result :/

I performed decent in the Central Institutes, 1500 in Aiims and 500ish in PGI. Before you jump into a conclusion that these are more than decent ranks, let me remind you that Aiims has just 50-60 seats to offer and so does PGI. And top branches like medicine and radio finish in top 10 ranks.

And hence,  NEET PG was the last hope which granted admission in rest of the PG seats in the country.

--------

So as i kept refreshing my browser, the  NBE had confirmed result is out, but the damn site refused to open.

My family didn't expect much, since they didn't see me studying in front of their own eyes. I used to stay in hostel, necessary to balance work and studies. That did solve a major problem though, no expectations from family.

But what about my expectations? I can not see my self studying another year, the same stuff all over again. The thought shook me, I ignored such thoughts  coming into my mind and started refreshing again. Soon, I got a whatsap from one of the groups. One of the students, managed to get through the site. Everyone started giving the guy his/her roll numbers requesting him to see the result on their behalf. 

I gave mine. 3530 aaya.

While this rank may be decent for some, but it wasn't giving me the branch of my choice. It wasn't good enough. I thought I had given my best, but was my best not good enough?

Even after applying for State Quota, which was Delhi university in my case, It didn't make much difference since competition is damn high here in DU with really less residency seats. Hence a candidate with a same rank in a different part of the country, may have the best day of his Life, while the other experiences his worst. Well, it was definitely one of my worst.

My Father questioned: "Was there something lacking?" Obviously a lot  was lacking. I was doing internship in one of the most hectic hospitals in country. You have to get up early, work till late, and is expected  to study everyday for tests conducted by the coaching institute. There were lots of loop holes in the preparation, that could have been filled. To this he replied "But kuch logo ka to hua hai na? Unki bhi to same internship thi." He had a fair point, but probably not the best time to put it forward.

================================================================

I went numb. Really? What will others say?

Will i really drop the year and study again?

Was grilling last year worthless?

Am I worthless?

What went wrong?

What I experienced next can be best described by The Kübler-Ross model which is popularly known by the five stages of grief.

Stage 1 Denial.

This rank seemed impossible. I had worked hard, at least equivalent to my batch mates. Then how can be there such a difference?  Could there be a mistake at the end of the guy who told me my rank?

Well, one digit mistyped and the result could be of someone else.

Or was it a mistake on behalf of the examination authority, who must have not checked my answers correctly.

What I was experiencing was Denial Phase. Denying the reality of the lost battle, in order to avoid the pain.

Life felt chaotic and scary during this phase.

Stage 2. Anger

This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. 

"Crappy exam, crappy system. Education system bekar hai, Log Bekar hai, Duniya kharab hai, Har jagah corruption hai, Kisko karna hai PG, Sab Ghotala hai"

There was railing against fate, questioning "Why me?"

There were comparisons made.

"Why did he get that rank? He partied the entire year !! And her?? She wasn't even able to answer that simple mcq in class !!!

Frustration gives way to anger,  and there is laying of unwarranted blame for the defeat on someone else.

Stage 3:Bargaining

Mind looks for solace. "What about him? What about the other people? They must be heartbroken too"

"He also wants medicine and his rank is even behind mine ! May be we can work out something together"

Why was I interested in others' misfortune?
Seems like it is not enough to succeed; others must fail. This thought sounds pure cruel and evil,
but somehow was need of the hour.

Now when I ponder over that thought, It didn't seem that cruel. Something I found on Psychology today:

"These features describe a significant conflict between our positive evaluation of the situation and the negative evaluation of the other person. This conflict indicates the presence of a comparative, and sometimes even, a competitive, concern. A major reason for being pleased with the misfortune of another person is that this person's misfortune may somehow benefit us; it may, for example, emphasize our superiority."

Another thing i felt was that one of the greater contributions to the pleasure we take in others' misfortune is the feeling that the failure of our competitor is not due to our own wicked behavior. It is as if justice has been done.

You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair.

"If only exam would happen again I would show them !!!"

"If only i had 10 more Qs correct, I would have made it"
"Just a gap of 20 Qs, I m so close to the topper!"

It was true, i was close, but not close enough. Rank was good, but not good enough.

Stage 4: Depression

I was more silent for following weeks. I had a repeat posting to attend for an extra month  because I took an off for a month from internship, before the exam to prepare. But it was all for nothing.

The PGs didn't seem to care and used to give us more work since we had more "experience" of doing the shitty work. Our CLs (Casual Leaves)  got cancelled and the repeaters were not allowed to take offs.

Everyone started judging based on your rank. People love to jump to conclusions, pass quick judgments and move on. Never thought how my carefully crafted image during college life would fall down so quick after this exam.

Judging didn't stop at college. Parents got proved right. "Hostel me pakka party karta hoga. Tab hi bura rank hai. Ab humare saamne padhega to rank aayega"

If you dont know my story, dont judge me.

 Judgement is often made in fractions of seconds often with colors from our own prejudices. We listen what we want to listen, we see things through our goggles of prejudice. And our subconscious is often dictated by the information that we consumed and further creates our prejudices. We enter a vicious cycle of judging not thinking.

It would be wrong to say it was entirely their fault. If you are getting affected by what others say, its your fault too.

Care about people’s approval, and you will always be their prisoner.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Gradually I realized it was more my mind or mind made identity (ego) that needed approval and cared what other people thought of me,  more than my true self. My true self had no need of approval from other people.

After that month of intense pressure and embarrassment, I became immune to such remarks.

"In my life, I have given a fuck about many people and many things. I have also not given a fuck about many people and many things. And those fucks I have not given have made all the difference. -Mark Manson"

WE ALL HAVE A LIMITED NUMBER OF FUCKS TO GIVE; PAY ATTENTION TO WHERE AND WHO YOU GIVE THEM TO.

Stage 5: Acceptance

This came soon after. It became quite clear, Medicine was out of bounds. 
Delhi ranks had been roughly calculated.
Even other branches were now hard to get. I realized that the best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.

And Finally: The Help

I was grateful for all the help i got. I realized Family is not just an important thing, it is everything. The extent they would go to help you is amazing.

My family tried to help in their own way. Since there was no medical background in my family, they wanted to compensate and go an extra mile.

"Badam nahi khaata tha na? Maine whatsap ki video dikhao usko kaise badam se memory imrove hota hai"  My Bua telling my mom about hundreds of forwarded whatsaps.

"Beta ye mobile to faik de. Whatsap pe laga rahega to kaise hoga. Online modules? ye kya hai? Tu inn cheezo pe dhyaan mat de, padhai pe de."

"Haan ek saal to sab drop karte hai. Arrey wo meerut waale mama ka beta hai na, uski bhi kuch 30-40k rank thi, phirse padh raha hai"

"Lekin usne to first attempt me nikal liya tha? Haan microbiology me hai to kya hua. Dr to hai. Tujhe mil jayegi microbiology?? Usme kum patient aate hai clinic me??"

"DNB medicine karle. Bohot skilled hote hai wo bhi. Infact zyada."

"Jo mil raha hai lele, chor mat kuch. Decent rank hai, dobara nahi aayi to kya karega?? Zyada lalach theek nahi"

"Heart ka Dr ban jaa. Medicine kyu karni hai?"

"Beta sabki kismat pehele se likhi hoti hai. MAMC tak aa gaya badhi baat hai. First attempt me 3k rank bhi God gifted rank hai. God has written something better for you"

But sometimes you dont need all these advices. Sometimes all we need is a hand to hold, ears to listen and a heart to understand.

------------------

This went on for weeks. 

What happened next can be best described by these lines from "Fire in The Belly" :

He knew all the pros and cons of his next step. It was not an easy journey forward. Possibilities of things going wrong were more. But then this was his dream. Day in and day out he had dreamt of this only.

People around him told him not to go ahead because he would fail. They told him odds were against him.

He started to have self doubts.

He asked his heart again and again about what does it truly want. Should he stop and go back.

His heart whispered, “Let me fly”

<TO BE CONTINUED...>

(CLICK HERE FOR NEXT PART: Drop Year NEET 19)

(CLICK HERE FOR NEXT PART: Drop Year NEET 19)